“Grief is a like an ocean. It comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the waters calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is to learn to swim.” – Dear Adrienne
I have started listening again to my playlists, a collection of classic love songs that were recorded as far as the eighties. These are the same types of songs that I love singing along as they are played in Remember Someone Today.
In the past five months, I completely ignored listening to music. My radio was fixed on an AM station that broadcasts mostly political issues that I find very annoying. I used my phone mostly for its legacy purposes (text, call, email). And if for some reasons, I could not avoid listening to music because my small apartment is not sound-proof, I would lock up myself in the bathroom or drop myself on the bed and press hard a pillow on my ears, until the music was over.
A love song was powerful enough to stop my world and awaken feelings of almost unbearable sorrow that I have first experienced in the morning of May 8.
But last Tuesday was different. I have listened to 27 songs on my Best Love Duets playlist – smiling, feeling light, energetic…and in love.
Feeling the emotions in every lyrics and melody of these songs, I realized how deeply obsessed we are with love. There is always a part of us that is seeking love and longing to be loved. But love is more than just a feeling that sends us to the top of the world. It has an expensive price to pay (plus interests if you are lucky enough). It also comes with truths that we often realize after we have gone through the deep pain of brokenness.
1. If you love deeply, you will also be hurt badly.
When you love, you make yourself vulnerable because a true love does not play safe. You give your whole-hearted trust to your partner. You allow yourself to be close to him or her. You believe each and every promise sworn to you. When that trust is betrayed, you get hurt. When closeness was replaced by distance, you get hurt. When the promises were broken, you get hurt. You know that it is love if it does hurt or even kill you.
2. You are the only one who can unbreak your heart.
If you are moving on, you will realize that the universe never ends when you lost your love. The world never stops when your beloved said goodbye.
Your family, friends, colleagues, and life group will be on your side to listen to your story, to sympathize and empathize with your emotional pains, to lend you a shoulder to cry on, to give you encouraging words. But at the end of the day, you are still the one responsible for your own healing. It is you who makes the decision to move on and be happy or hang on to the past and be miserable. There will be helping hands around you, but you need to produce the will and courage to rise above your downfall.
3. Love is a constant battlefield.
The first phase of love is the passionate or obsessive love, which is almost effortless. You are in love and happy by simply being with the person. It is the stage when lovers are blind to differences and flaws; it is a time for bold “you and me against the world” proclamations. But relationships are not static; they change over time for better or worse.
A point will come when you encounter relationship struggles, challenges, and temptations that will test the strength of your covenant. I heard this statement several times: “It is easy to fall in love, but it is hard to stay in love.” Many relationships fail because of the commitment level required. You cannot expect love to grow and continue by simply remaining in the relationship. Love needs to be fed and nurtured.
4. Love cannot be forced, and at a certain point you need to set yourself free.
“And I wonder how you do it…making love out of nothing at all,” says the lyrics of one of my favorite Air Supply songs.
If you are reading About Life and Love, you know for sure that a happy relationship is made up of two happy people loving each other [Tweet This]. A one-sided love cannot make you happy. Do not force yourself into being loved by someone. A worst case of unrequited love is that someone might see you as a need and not as a real object of love. You will be taken advantage of, you will be used.
Save your worth and experience personal freedom by giving up your love for that person.
5. You are the only one who can make yourself happy.
Many of us are guilty of someone-will-make-me-happy syndrome, an affliction of people who believe that they can be happy only if they found the “right” person. But life offers countless things that can make you happy and feel good about yourself – climb the mountains, surf the giant waves, discover nature.
Do not allow one person to hinder in your happiness! Take responsibility for your own happiness.
Someone once tweeted, “If you are not happy as a single, you cannot be happy as a taken.” Simply put, you cannot give what you don’t have.
6. The person you love is the same one who will make you feel sad.
You will always see two faces of love, switching from time to time. When someone makes you happy, remember that he or she is also capable of making you feel sad.
The person you love can cause you to laugh joyfully and cry miserably; build you into an unshakable wall and break you into irreparable pieces; make you scream in bliss and lament in agony. You cannot be happy all the time in the company of the same person.
7. When you fall in love, you may lose a lot of things, including yourself.
What are the craziest and weirdest things you have done when you were so in love? Did you become a background investigator, an internet researcher, a social media stalker, or an ever supportive blog follower? Did you become an extravagant gift-giver, a human bank machine, a 24/7 emergency helpline, or a subservient sexual partner?
When you love, the smartest person that you are becomes the most stupid person you have ever known. Losing yourself completely is the last thing you would want to happen, and before it occurs, you might want to re-consider if the love is worth fighting for or if the relationship is worth staying for.
8. You cannot choose the person you will fall in love with.
I have heard stories where a man or woman fell in love with someone, who happened to be the exact opposite of the ideal lover they had once conceived.
They say that the best relationships are the ones you did not expect to be in, the ones that you never saw coming. Yet, I would say that they are the same kinds of relationships that hurt the most.
There will always be a time when a person comes into your life and your only choice is to love him or her. [Tweet This]
When Brian McKnight reached the chorus of his heart-breaking hit One Last Cry, I asked myself where I am now in my efforts to move on. I am sure that I have already cried my one last cry.
But have I completely left it all behind?
That is something I cannot answer now with conviction, but at least I am clear where I am heading to.