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Rebuilding My Cross

Carrick-A-Rede Island

Carrick-A-Rede Island, Co Antrim, Northern Ireland. March 2012

The wickedness of the world has corrupted the human soul. I am no exemption.

Everyday, everywhere, temptations lure us into doing the things that undermine discipleship. Righteousness is compromised. Reflecting on my previous actions, I realized that I have become more of the world than the kind of person that God wants me to be.

In a typical day of my life, I cursed the jeepney drivers for making the expressway a terminal to wait for and load more passengers. I frowned at the beggars in the streets and blamed their disposition for their present situation. In my mind, I despised the person who took so much time dealing with the bank machine. At the train station, I glared at the guards for slowing down the human traffic with their routine security checks. At work, I fueled the burning fire of an unhealthy work relationship. I allowed lustful carnal desires to permeate the very fibers of my flesh. I dishonored the sanctity of my body, the temple of the holy spirit. 

I made the darkness even darker to those who could not see the light. I made choices without considering whether the outcomes would please God or not. I let irrational feelings to consume me and my tongue has delivered the best speeches I have ever regretted. I have talked too much. I spent a lot of time idling, and I squandered the precious time that God has given me.

I chose to fight my battles alone; I never won. I took delight in my personal goals; I never succeeded. I owned the credits for my achievements; they never lasted. I listened to God’s words in my mind, but did not heed them in my heart; they never flourished. I became engrossed with the future and the promises it holds; I abandoned the delight and worship of my Father. What if tomorrow never comes? In my smartphone is a Bible reading plan that I have reset several times, because I just could not catch up.  I committed countless mistakes that I vowed to rectify, but never did conscientiously. I implored forgiveness each time I sin, but repeated the same, until the process became a vicious cycle. I betrayed my Creator!

My quest for truth has brought about numerous questions that I tried to answer by turning into the world; the answers remain elusive. I forgot Who the ultimate source of truth is and the pursuit turned into a struggle akin to finding the tiny needles of peace in the ocean of turmoil. I disobeyed the holy command to “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness…(Matthew 6:33 NKJV).”

I lived a life of flippancy, devoid of the real purpose for which it shall exist – worship, discipleship, evangelism, fellowship, ministry. I lived with a faith that cowers at a single strike of the evil. I have become unfaithful to my Father. I am not happy. I feel empty. I am such a disgrace to my Father’s kingdom!

I have broken my cross.

In spite of my mistakes and my falling short in my faith, God has remained merciful and gracious to me. He is a loving God who draws me to confession when I violate my conscience. He is an untiring Listener to my prayers; a generous Giver of my blessings; a powerful Healer of my sicknesses; a steadfast Protector of my security; and an indomitable Defender against my enemies. He puts the best people around me when my life is gloomy. His wisdom is the unsought answer to all of life’s misery. How can I be unfaithful if my God is of these magnificent attributes? I know I am unworthy of His love, but God is love. He is always willing to accept and forgive me.

Rebuilding my cross takes another bold decision to close the previous chapters of my life, extract the lessons, and face the future guilt-free for “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1 NIV).” It requires writing a new chapter that is replete with hope and truth that come from God’s words.

It  will be a new journey…in a different street…less traveled by. There will be crossroads and obstacles, but I trust the presence of God who goes with me and who will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV).

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
Portia Nelson

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.

2 Comments on Rebuilding My Cross

  1. I love this. Thank you so much for being real and open. Over the past week and a half I have been reminded how distant I became to God. Sure I was praying and reading my Bible daily but it was all mere routine. God shook up my life and reminded me, that He is truly ALL I need. I don’t have to stress over things I cannot control. I am working on becoming FULLY present at every moment and keeping in mind that God is all I need to depend on and the rest is handled.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wrote this more than two years ago and I found the sentiments I’ve poured out here to be still relevant in my situations today. Although I was able to somehow rebuild that cross, the struggle to cling to it poses a great challenge.

      What you said resonates to me today. Thank you!


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